'Girl Code' — All the positive stuff they say might actually be true, go figure

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“Girl Code” by Cara Alwill Leyba inspired me to create this site, it gave nonstop examples of women who chased their dreams despite doubt, obstacles or other peoples opinions. I connected with it strongly, I’m at a point of my life where I’ve now had the same dream and held on to it steadily for years, even took a few steps around it, but haven’t made the move toward it just yet. Sometimes with my own dream I can feel like its too hot to hold, the what if’s creep in, the what if I try and I fail, and then I don’t try. Rinse, wash, repeat.

That cycle of negative self thoughts have always led me on the same path, watching from a distance at the life I want professionally while my dreams stagnate, become just words that I said instead of words that I do.

Feels inauthentic to sit in my own skin.

Cara’s book didn’t tell me anything that I didn’t know precisely, it just reminded me that there are certain thoughts that I need to keep at the forefront of my mind. The doubt, no matter how convincing, I have to push back against and lash it with the positive attitude of: I’m just going to try.

So, I created this site and my plan is to read a book, review it and continue to motivate myself (and maybe some others) about why they should continue to reach for that dream even when it sucks, to continue to move forward even if it feels like you’re crawling.

For a long time I let the excuses lead the way, and while I’ve accomplished much to be proud of and acquired media skills that I have sharpened into a career — I don’t feel that I’ve reached the real moment of success for myself.

For a long time I kept almost talking myself out of my dream, my story, the knowledge I have gained and the human experience I bring to the table, and with that negative self-talk came a real hit to my cultural identity. Guyanese people are so rarely seen in the American diaspora it becomes almost easy to want to remain anonymous, to hide, but I feel like I have something that I want to share with the world, something that is uniquely me.

This girl, the one that grew up in mostly Queens, New York with short stints in Illinois and Texas, and a longer one in South Florida.

Maybe I feel like my story is important because of the mystery that I’m trying to solve that is my parents divorce, or that I grew up with lovable smart asses that would never for one second let you take yourself too seriously, or the grandpa that taught me math and had a parable, metaphor or analogy for every single life situation — and it was always an ‘ah-hah, the man is right’ kind of moment, a drop the mic I’m out, peace son, this was cool, kind of moment. I have a cast of characters in my head of my big fat American-Guyanese life and all the complexities that go with it.

And reading this book reminded me that not only should I try, but if I really throw myself into it, if I give it my all and work hard toward this goal, it’ll be successful — and, for the first time, when I closed that book and put it down in my lap, I believed it.